My best friends wedding

Whenever I attended a wedding and was subjected to a barrage of vintage marriage songs, there was this one song that always caught my attention. It goes like, “Mera yaar bana hai doolha, aur phool khile hain dil ke, meri bhi shaadi ho jaaye dua karo sab milke…” (My friend is the groom, I am happy from my heart; pray that I too get married). Also the traditions like joota churai wherein the brides’ sister steal the shoes of the groom and ask for money (shagun) in return, and the talks about dulhan ki behen and doolhe ka bhai seemed too clichéd and filmy to me.

I mean why would a guy wish to get married only while attending his mates wedding? There are 365 days round the year when you could wish so. Why the same day? Why not just go along, enjoy the marriage and not try to steal your mates thunder. Joota churai too seemed funny and just filler to me.

I tell you what, I was totally wrong. No shame admitting it. Until you attend your best friends wedding; you can’t understand the feeling behind the said song. It comes from within. I am telling you coz last week I attended my best friends wedding and believe you me the lyrics of the song felt closer to me than ever before. While he was riding the horse with people dancing around, the nauchawar, the varmala, the feras and the vows, I could feel the sweet urge to get married too. The atmosphere is such that it’s difficult to abstain from such a phenomenon.

The joota churai which seemed childish to me matured that day. I found myself, hiding grooms shoes away from the reach of brides’ sisters and letting them have the shoes only after making them accede that they lost. Those were such wonderful scenes that I blush and smile simultaneously as I write. They are playing right in front of me.

About the dulhan ki behen and doolhe ka bhai. It’s a tradition to have a sort of nok-jhok among the two. Subtle flirtations included if they both are young, unmarried and of the same age. All in good spirit though. (All this time I keep going back to the old movies and how true they seem to me today.) Since groom had a married older brother, it was left to us (friends) to take over the baton of younger brother. Though I am not of the flirtatious kind I felt all game for such a nok-jhok. Sadly, the bore as I am, I couldn’t go the length. But still it was all fun.

Marriages are always nice and now that I can only attend them once in a blue moon owing to staying away from home, I tend to enjoy the ones I attend as much as I can. Finally just one request, “Meri bhi shaadi ho jaaye dua karo sab milke”.

IPL: Who said what, The truth

PC: Our Government is too afraid to give go ahead to IPL. Internal security, well it’s a thing of the past. Terrorist attack during IPL can cost us elections. I have been playing this cat and mouse to irritate the organizers. But these guys are too good for that and have been coming up with one schedule after another. Like I care.

Jaitley: Had we been at the Centre, we too would have done the same. But why let this opportunity to nail Congress go away.

Shashank Manohar: We have long been the pawn between the Centre and the State. We know that Govt won’t give the permission. We don’t want to waste any more time. We have a task in hand to make money. Let us concentrate on that.

Lalit Modi: I haven’t slept for over a month now. My hair look scary. My eyes look scary. My only wish was to be the strongest man in Cricket. That I am. Now to sustain that I want IPL to happen. I just wish it happens in India coz here the costs are low and I can make more money.

Security Forces: We don’t have modern equipments. We don’t have necessary man power. We don’t have guns. We don’t have ammunition. We haven’t received any credible intelligence report for long. We know we would be blamed if anything happens. Yet we are ready to give it our best. Last time when we went to save Taj, we were surprised the Durbaan didn’t stop us at the gate. I remember once going there with my family. The Durbaan didn’t let us in, sensing that we don’t have enough money. When would we be paid well, to be able to dine at Taj not die at Taj.

CPI-CPM: Blame govt, blame BJP, blame media, blame USA, blame pakistan, blame blame blame…blam blam blam…bla bla bla.

Rahul Gandhi: IPL should happen in India. It is a matter of national prestige.
Sonia Gandhi: Hush…hush.  When will this child grow up. I am just fed up of him.

Manmohan Singh: I am coming straight from the operation theatre. I haven’t asked Soniyaji what to speak. Soniaji, Soniaji. Where is Soniaji?

Narendra Modi: Make me PM if you want IPL in India. If there would be no Indian Premier League (IPL), I promise you we won’t let Pakistan Premier League (PPL) to take place ever. I have decided to launch my own IPL team, Rama: The Saviours.

Pakistan: Welcome to the family. After such a long time, we stand united.

Common Man: Wow what a month. News channels kept me entertained.

Deja vu: Life a universal struggle

An American resident and an Indian taxi-driver in US.

American: Where are you from?
Indian: India.

American: Oh! India, I have heard a lot about it.
Indian: Really, what?

American: It has a great cultural heritage and history.
Indian: Yes, true.

American: I have also heard there is rampant poverty there.
Indian: Well, it’s not exactly so.

American: You are saying there is no poverty?
Indian: It’s not what I said. The things have improved.

American: Why were you forced to move out of your country to work here?
Indian: I was not forced. There are greater opportunities here.

American: You lack opportunities in your country?
Indian: A lot new opportunities have come up now.

American: What is the reason for poor state of affairs in India?
Indian: Oh it’s all because of corrupt politicians.

American: Why do you guys vote for such leaders?
Indian: People are illiterate and are duped on the basis of caste and religion.

American: It sounds too bad.
Indian: Not so, as I said the things have improved a lot.

American: Tell me.
Indian: Our economy is improving day by day. We have multi-stories, malls, discos and per capita has improved a lot.

American: I heard that you guys have very high crime rate and officials too corrupt.
Indian: No it’s not so. As I said, its improving as country is developing.

American: You guys work for cheap here, don’t you think you are exploited?
Indian: I save enough to send back home. It is enough for my family there.

American: Don’t you miss your family?
Indian: I miss them dearly.

American: Why don’t you bring them here then?
Indian: I won’t be able to afford it. I go and meet them once a year.

American: It all made me sad but I really like your spirit. Bye
Indian: Good Bye Sir.

Just change American by someone from say Mumbai/Delhi and Indian by someone say from UP/Bihar and the question/answers remains the same. Is struggle the essence of life? I fail to find an answer. All I can do is vow to work harder than ever to erase the need for such questions, the need for such answers and the existence of such differences.

चुनावी दंगल

आया है फिर से महाकुम्भ
चिंघाड़ उठी, लो भरा दंभ
सारे मिलकर जिसे खेले हैं
इसे चुनाव प्रक्रिया बोले हैं|

चुनाव आयोग है इसका अंपायर
फुस्स है एकदम, जैसे फटा टायर
घुड़की देने में उस्तादी है
पर गरजने वाले बरसे हैं कभी|

कई दल इस दंगल में खेले हैं
सब इसी दल-दल के मैले हैं
सब बजाते अपनी शहनाई हैं
पांच साल बाद आम आदमी की रौनक छायी है|

पैसे, कपडे, साईकल, टीवी
सब बटते हैं इस हुज्जुम में
एक-एक वोट पे न्योछावर
सौ- सौ के नोट की गड्डी है|

सभी प्रकार के अपराधी
अभी जेल से छूटे हैं
सब वोट मांगने निकले हैं
पर जो खुद ही है कंगाल
वो वोट के सिवा देगा भी क्या|

चोर-उच्चके, खूनी-कातिल
बस इनकी ही सुनवाई है
यह बन जो गए अपने नेता
बस राम तेरी ही दुहाई है|

एक तरफ है कठपुतली
एक तरफ खड़ा बुजुर्ग सिपाही है
दोनों में से किसको चुनू
यह असमंजस होता तो अच्छा था
पर हाय रे में तो सोचूँ हूँ
इसको भी नहीं, उसको भी नहीं|

इसी बात की आस है बस
कि कुछ ऐसा हो, जो सच्चा हो
और पांच साल के बाद नहीं
आम आदमी का हर दिन अच्छा हो|

IPL: Behind the Doors

Due to the rising security concern, Indian government decided not to hold IPL in India. BCCI decided to take IPL abroad. The franchise owners became apprehensive of this move and decided to pull out. According to them IPL outside India was not a profitable venture. Franchise owners Shahrukh, Preity, Mallya, Nita, Shilpa met Lalit Modi to get back the money they had already invested in IPL.

SRK: Let me speak first since I am number 1. I feel cheated, now that IPL is not taking place in India. You have fooled us all, Modi. Give me back my goddam money. And it should all be in 1 rupee coins, coz I am number 1.

Shilpa: Yes and I should be the one to get it first. I have no work. I am ageing and everybody wants me to shut up and bounce. I am fed up of all this. Even my boyfriend has this accent that everyone teases me about.

Preity: Oh! you greedy lady. I should get back the money first. Even I have no work. At least you have a boyfriend who bought the team for you. I am not even sure if I have a boyfriend anymore. I tried hitting on Yuvi but his father won’t let me anywhere near him.

Mallya: What about me, I lost in F1, I bought Gandhi belongings. I am broke. I even lost my pride having been thrashed in IPL1. I should get the money first. My yacht needs repair. Situation is so bad that I can’t even afford a drink.

Nita: Hey what about us? You know we purchased this new dining table for our new 10000 crore home and would you believe, 2 diamonds went missing. The dealer said that dining table had exactly 78 embedded diamonds when he dispatched it. Mukesh counted twice and found only 76. We should get the money first. We are in a bad shape.

Modi: Welcome you all, I haven’t slept for 20 days, haven’t eaten for 12 days, haven’t bathed for 10 days. I have become a football between State and Centre, Centre and State. I have made enough time tables to qualify as the principal of any college. Deal with Sony broke off. Govt withdrew permission to hold matches. Wife needs new jewellery. Kids want to holiday abroad. I have enough problems of my own. And you Guys come here asking for money. Paisa Paisa Paisa. Kya bas paisa hi sab kuch hai? Insaaniyat kuch nahin, pyaar kuch nahin, zameer kuch nahin… (he went on rambling for next 15 minutes)

SRK: I think he has gone mad.

Shilpa: What about my money? You shouldn’t have been so greedy Preity. It’s all because of you that he has gone mad.

Preity: So now it’s me? Why don’t you just shut up and bounce. What about Nita? Her diamonds have to go missing now only?

Nita: Mukesh is always the one with progressive thinking. We always look forward in life. What is past is past. I don’t want to talk about Anil and the spat. Its not to be discussed in public. Mukesh is always…

Mallya: She forgot again when to say what. I have asked Muskesh a lot of times not to send his wife where money is involved. Or at least ask her not to mix the lines. She think she is on TV.

SRK: Hush…hush, looks like Modi is coming back to senses. So when are we getting back our money, Mr Modi? I never wanted my captain. My captain never wanted my wicketkeeper. My wicketkeeper got injured. I myself am injured. Give me back my money.

Modi: Paisa Paisa Paisa. Kya bas paisa hi sab kuch hai, insaaniyat kuch nahin, pyaar kuch nahin, zameer kuch nahin… (he went on rambling for another 15 minutes)

Everybody: Seems like he is making a fool of us. He won’t give our money easily.

SRK: Let me show him my six pack. Isko iska rab yaad aa jaayega.

Shilpa: I will not shut up any more. Don’t let me call Raj to make you bounce Modi.

Preity: I have not forgotten the slap on my player SreeSanth. Don’t make me revenge it on you.

Mallya (took a drink): F1 asked me to leave Force India, India asked me to leave IPL, now you are asking me to leave the money. Hic! I object. Give me my money. Hic! I object.

Nita: If you don’t give me back my money, Anil will become richer than us. If he gets richer toh do baatein ho sakti hain. And since I don’t remember any of the two, give me back my money so that Anil doesn’t get richer than us.

Modi: I am fed up of you guys. I love the money. I will not give it back. I think I’ll run away to South Africa.

Everybody: Let’s follow him till we get our money back.

And they all left for South Africa.

Disclaimer: This is an art of fiction. Nothing written here should be taken seriously. It has no relation to anyone living or dead.

That movie is bad. Why? The reviewer said so.

A: Which movie did you watch this weekend?
B: Singh is King.

A: Why did you watch such a bad movie?
B: Who told you it was bad? I found it entertaining.

A: Come on. It’s a silly movie. Waste of time and money.
B: And how you know all this. Have you seen this movie?

A: Oh no, I haven’t, but I read the review. The movie is going down.
B: How many reviews have you read?

A: I read a couple of reviews. They say the movie sucks.
B: So you only go see the movie if these 2-3 people like it.

A: Uh huh! These are not just people. These are the reviewers.
B: I was in the theatre. People were laughing all over.

A: Hey, you are just one of the people who like the silly movies which critics pan.
B: Do you know how much money the movie made?

A: Oh it would have been a flop.
B: My friend it was a super hit.

A: There are lot of stupid people like you who like such stupid Masala movies.
B: Tell me one thing. Since the movie was a hit, means a lot of people would have liked it, right?

A: Uh huh, most of the common people are stupid.
B: And the reviewer who has panned the movie is not stupid?

A: Not at all. He doesn’t like masala movies at all. He gives good reviews to off beat movies.
B: So you enjoy the off beat movies.

A: Uh huh, I don’t enjoy them if you be so specific. But they are good movies.
B: And what is a good movie for you, the ones that the reviewer says is good?

A: Oh no, its not so. You make it sound bad.
B: Ok, tell me what do we look for in the movie when we go watch?

A: It must be entertaining, for one.
B: Okay aren’t the so called masala movies entertaining?

A: Oh okay, if you put it that way.
B: So your reviewer gives bad review to the movie which is entertaining?

A: Not exactly. He let me know the good cinema from bad cinema.
B: But he panned the movie which everyone liked. You missed it just coz your reviewer said so.

A: Oh no, the movie would have been bad.
B: Let me put is this way. Your reviewer said movie is bad but most people enjoyed it, right?

A: Okay, yes. But people are stupid.
B: So these reviews are not for the common stupid people, right?

A: Uh huh, yes. Good cinema is understood only by people who know art and cinema.
B: So your reviewer writes for people who knows cinema?

A: Perhaps yes.
B: So common stupid people like me should not read such reviews when I go see the movie?

A: Oh, yes there would be no use. You are stupid.
B: And your reviewer is not?

A: Exactly!
B: But he is useless to most of the movie going junta?

A: Most of the junta is stupid.
B: And your reviewer is not.

A: Exactly!

फिर वो पुरानी याद आई

क्यों रह रह कर आते सपने,
उन पीर परायी रातों के,
क्यों होती है दिल में हलचल,
उन नई पुरानी बातों से,
क्यों जहन में अटकी हैं यादें,
जब गलियों की कच्ची सड़कें,
सावन में पक्की लगती थीं,
जब टूटी सायिकल की गद्दी,
मोटर से मुलायम लगती थी,
जब आंच पे पकती रोटी भी,
जायके में अव्वल लगती थी,
क्या दौर था वो, कुछ और था वो,
सुख चैन का बस सिरमौर था जो,

वो समां पुराना चला गया,
कुछ और देर तक रहता फिर,
मिल बैठ के बातें करते हम,
कोई रीत पुरानी गाता में,
कुछ गम मिल जुलकर करते कम|

मैदान में वो गिरना पड़ना,
हर बात पे बालक हठ करना,
जो हवा बनाई डींगे हांक,
सब अव्वल बैटिंग देते थे,
जो आड़े आया कोई सो,
अपने सुदबुध में ऐंठे थे,
जो पेड़ सुनहरा गुलमोहरी,
दिनभर हरिया बरसाता था,
वोह बेल हवा में टूट टूट,
और नीम का मस्ती लहराना,
क्या दौर था वो, कुछ और था वो,
सुख चैन का बस सिरमौर था जो,

वो समां पुराना चला गया,
कुछ और देर तक रहता फिर,
मिल बैठ के बातें करते हम,
कोई रीत पुरानी गाता में,
कुछ गम मिल जुलकर करते कम|

शादी का मौसम सुनते ही,
मुहँ में पानी का आ जाना,
ख्वाब में भी खुरचन लड्डू की,
आपस में कुश्ती करवाना,
और कचौड़ी पूड़ी  से,
घी का टप टप रिसते जाना,
और नहीं, बस और नहीं,
एक और तो लो, तुम्हें मेरी कसम,
भाभी देवर का टकराना,
क्या दौर था वो, कुछ और था वो,
सुख चैन का बस सिरमौर था जो,

वो समां पुराना चला गया,
कुछ और देर तक रहता फिर,
मिल बैठ के बातें करते हम,
कोई रीत पुरानी गाता में,
कुछ गम मिल जुलकर करते कम|

बीमार था जब, सब याद है अब,
दादी ने नजर उतारी थी,
अलाएँ बालाएं सब टल जाएँ,
इस बात की दुआ पुकारी थी,
दीवाली में पूरे कुनबे का,
मिल जुलकर बाड़ा चमकाना,
कुछ दीपक से, कुछ बत्ती से,
सब ओर प्रकाश का टिम टाना,
सब बच्चों को नगदी मिलना,
बड़ों का आशीर्वाद कहलाता था,
एक सुई, एक धागे में,
सारा संसार पिर जाता था,
क्या दौर था वो, कुछ और था वो,
सुख चैन का बस सिरमौर था जो,

वो समां पुराना चला गया,
कुछ और देर तक रहता फिर,
मिल बैठ के बातें करते हम,
कोई रीत पुरानी गाता में,
कुछ गम मिल जुलकर करते कम|

हो गई पुरानी सब बातें,
यादें भी धुंधली हो हैं चली,
पर मन जाने क्यों अटका है,
कभी ना जाना, उसी गली,
कभी कभी एक आस जगे,
क्यों ना कल जब सो के उठें,
तो सुबह उन्हीं गलियों में हो,
रात उन्हीं अठखलियों से हो,
पर बीत चुका कब आया है,
बीते की याद ही आई है,
क्या दौर था वो, कुछ और था वो,
सुख चैन का बस सिरमौर था जो,

वो समां पुराना चला गया,
कुछ और देर तक रहता फिर,
मिल बैठ के बातें करते हम,
कोई रीत पुरानी गाता में,
कुछ गम मिल जुलकर करते कम|

Cult Movies: Down the memory lane

Cult movies is an altogether different phenomenon. Once in a while there comes a movie which is followed widely across the college campuses. You could see everyone humming the songs, enacting the dialogues and discussing it all over. They are not bound by the movie being a hit or a flop, good or bad. They are there on the merit of clicking with the youngistan, so to say. During my college days I came across a number of such cult movies, which were watched repeatedly, each time with as much excitement.

1. Rehna Hai Tere Dil Mein: It was released during my school days. I remember everyone going, “Maddy..Maddy” The tiffs between Saif and Madhavan were legendary. The ever cute Reena Malhotra and the innocent and lovable Madhav Shastri were a treat to watch. When the car stopped in the middle of the night and Madhavan tried to explain to Dia, what was really on his mind. Superb. I came to know more about its cult status when I came to college. Regardless of it not being a hit, it was loved by one and all. At least across the colleges.

2. Haasil: Another of such movie which made a huge impact on an entire generation. One which made Irfan Khan a household name when he went like, “Kya Bhaiyya…pehchante ho na humein?” It went on to become a dialogue which replaced the hi’s n hello’s The arrogance of Ranvijay Singh, the politics of Gauri Shanker and the innocence of Aniruddha. A Gem. I don’t remember how many times have I watched this movie with my friends. What I remember is lip-synching each and every dialogue, having learned it by heart. “Vaayu ko ulta karte ho to kya banta hai? Yuva”, “Bolo Jai Bharat” and million of such superb dialogues is what made Haasil. A realistic account of college politics which struck the cord with the college Junta.

3. Gunda: This movie followed the theory that number line is circular, –∞ and +∞ do meet, just as -1 and +1 meet at 0. This movie was so bad that it became a favorite of millions. Every dialogue was like a short poetry and Kanti Shah knew how to make them lewd. “Mera naam hai bulla, main rakhta hoon kullaaa”, became an introductory dialogue. There were blog sites dedicated to Gunda. There were discussions as to the sequence of various scenes in the movie. The blogs that were initially started as satire helped in propelling the movie to the cult status. Did Shankar worked as a Coolie at the airport still remains one of the very many unanswered questions. There was even a bid to make it the highest ranked movie on imdb. It still has a respectable 8.4 rating despite an effort of sabotage. Thanks to the Gunda fans.

4. Dev. D: This recent take on Devdas, is what made me write this article. Will it become a cult movie? Now that I am no longer in college, I would never really know. But it seems to have all the ingredients. First of all the songs are bound to become the theme of every daaru party. The dialogues are superb too. “Jaa ke chad apne buddhe pe”, “Tumhein tumhari aukaat bata rahi hoon” and other such dialogues would easily find their place in the life of college going junta. Also there is no dearth of Dev’s and Paro’s. Going by the superb story, acting and direction, I have no doubt that it would be the next cult movie. I so miss to be in college right now!

Indian National Congress Hand: The Origin

Listening to the interim budget on television, my mind diverted from Pranab Mukherjee to Congress to its election symbol, the Hand. 15 minutes or so of googling and a coke later, I was still not able to find any definite story behind the Indian national congress election symbol. This led me to use my brain and come out with truth. Here it is. As transparent as it could be.

Hand covering the tri colours stood then for the coming unassuming reign of INC, in that sense Indira after the split of Congress.

Where have you seen this hand so prominently? What else could you relate with this? Guessed right. Budhha.

So is the INC hand, Buddha’s hand. Was Congress after the split based on the principles of Buddha. Was Buddha in any way the originator of the idea of Congress. Did Indira anticipated that like Buddha left the palace, Congress would have to leave Delhi, ousted by Janta Party in near future.

See the composure of the hand. It seems relaxed. It seems preaching. It seems, yes, in Aashirwaad (blessing) mode.

Is a father blessing his son. Or is it motherly compassion.

Or is it the divine blessing via Congress to the people of India? Probably.

Is it the bribing hand. Given the rampant corruption, it might be a message from the future, hinting at the coming corruption and an era of bribes.

During the emergency, was this a slap on the face of the voters. The public.

And Junta was left to do nothing but slap its own head with its hand.

During election campaign 2004-05, this was projected as a helping hand to the poor people.

Now whether the public felt it later as a pickpocket hand is a question to reckon.

I read that during the last general elections, the palm lines were changes in accordance with a palmist. So it may be a palm which carries future of the country concealed in the palm lines. Hope it be the truth.

The journey was jinxed! Not entirely my fault.

Blank Blank Blank. Tring!!! Tring!!! A pain burst across the head. What was the time? It has been just half an hour since I slept. Who could it be?

Me: Yes?
Caller: “@#$%^!!! what day is today?”
Me: Such a stupid question! “Why, I asked?”
Caller: “Today is 2nd Feb and you @#$%^!!! booked my ticket for 2nd of March. I am stranded like a fool at the airport.”

I came back to senses. What angered him more was that I burst into laughter. Dude, your journey was jinxed, not entirely my fault. I broke into laughter yet again. Let me give you some insight as to what happened earlier to understand my point.

The friend of mine in question was supposed to travel from Pune to his hometown. And since he is my school mate, my hometown as well. He booked train ticket for Friday afternoon. On reaching the station he found the train to be late by 6 hours. Indulging himself with the usual gallivanting, he came back to the station at night. Still late! When he finally boarded the train, it was running good 7 hours late. Hardly 10 minutes and the train came to a halt. It was a station at the outer. 10-15-30-45 minutes passed. His patience was running out. He caught hold of a pantry worker. “Sahib, the train will eventually be 12-13 hrs late“. He decided to call it a day. He was on phone with me when he got off. The train started off with a whistle just as he reached the station exit. Dude you made Jab We Met 2. Having nothing to do and getting a bit frustrated, he decided to travel to Mumbai on his bike. “Are you insane, it is 11 in the night and you have to travel whole 140 kms?” I am traveling was the reply.

I want to tell you that traveling at night is not safe even for a youngster on bike. The security checks would suck your pockets dry. On top of it, if your vehicle bears an outstation number, you are on your own. Street smart that he is, he reached Mumbai in record time nevertheless. He was so exhausted that he dreaded his decision to bike to Mumbai and was at wits end, how would he return?

A friend of mine from college had joined us too. I would spare you the details of the party that night. Next day I had to attend to some urgent work at office so I left them both at the house for around 2-3 hours. They called me at office that they have planned to leave for their respective home towns and since I have net accessibility at office, if possible to book their flights. There was some confusion and I ended up booking, a return ticket for my college friend and two tickets (going and return) for my school friend. Mumbai-Delhi-Mumbai. Their flight was to depart Monday morning. 6:45. They left at 5 am. I decided to retire into sweet-sweet sleep. Blank Blank Blank. Tring!!! Tring!!!

It turned out; I had booked 2nd -7th Feb for my college friend, but 2nd March and 7th Feb for the school friend. He got the ticket canceled, booked another one and ended up paying 50% more.

To begin with, his train got delayed. No sooner had he got off the train than it started again. He biked all the way to Mumbai fully exhausted, harassed at various checks. If these weren’t the signs, what are? Paulo Coelho would have written a book on this had he not written The Alchemist, so prominent were the signs. My plea is, what I did was not a mistake but the eventuality of various signs. The journey was jinxed. Not entirely my fault!