Archive for the ‘Funny’ Category
I saw this latest Frooti advertisement featuring Sharukh and simply fell in love with the music, lyrics and concept. Lyrics, though hummable are not entirely clear in meaning.
Aamaletiya stavin crata pile pila,
Aamaletiya merlucchiya pile pila,
Inlorpotamanta tora tut tut tiya,
Less so less in nina amichiya strala,
Aamaletiya stavin crata pile pila – 4
I assumed these lyrics are not garbage and tried to de-cypher. What I saw is they are a mix of Japanese, Spanish, Swedish, Hindi, Italian words.
Beautiful and lovely mango, to us highly starving people, you will act as pile of batteries to recharge,
Beautiful and lovely mango, you are partly wicked, you will act as pile of batteries to recharge,
We are salivating greatly agreed, from unpleasant fighting people, we become happiest person in the world,
As it is getting over, like a little girl, it is emitting eternal love,
Beautiful and lovely mango, to us highly starving people, you will act as pile of batteries to recharge – 4
Beautiful and lovely mango, you are partly wicked…
Aam: Hindi, Mango
Letiya: Urban Lingo, Beautiful person, lovely heart
Stavin: Short for starving
Crata: French, might/strength
Pile: Spanish, batteries
Pila: Italian, Pile
Mer: An affix meaning “part”, used in chemistry
Lucchi: Hindi, wicked
Lor: Singapore Lingo, Agree
Pota: Uraban Lingo, Salivating
Manta: Spanish, Great Size
Tora: Japanese, Quarrel
Tut-tut: Urban Lingo, Disapproval
Tiya: Urban Lingo, Happiest person in the world.
Nina: Spanish, Little girl
Ami: Italian, Love
Chiya: Japanese, Eternal
Strala: Swedish, To radiate light
Disclaimer: This is just my view. Chances are, this might be entirey wrong.
Topmost could have been headlines of year 2012.
1. India demolishes Eng 3-0 in the home Test Match Series. Tendulkar hit his first triple ton. Gambhir is vindicated of “see you at home” remark. BCCI decides to scrap away Tests from ICC Future Tours Program. BCCI chief Srinivasan said and I quote “All Tests played in Chennai will be Home Tests and those played elsewhere in the country will be Away Tests”.
2. World not able to witness 21st Dec 2012. Just as predicted by the great “Ronald Emmerich” in his movie 2012, owing to Earth Crust Displacement and massive Earthquakes, 90% of human civilization is wiped off. This news is telecasted from US Space Station. John Cusack is among the survivors.
3. London Olympics 2012, turned out to be a disaster, overshadowing Delhi Common Wealth Games. Kalmadi was grinning from ear to ear with, “I told ya sa” expression. Anacondas and Godzilla’s were cited around athletes’ village. Organizers are blaming it on different perceptions of security standards across the world.
4. US Presidential elections were marred by an act of shooting when a heated argument between Obama and Romney got out of hand. Both took out their M16’s and started shooting at each other and the audience. The audience were already dead of boredom so no harm done.
5. 2012 was landmark year in India as far as women safety was concerned. Women Safety Bill 2012 was passed in the parliament, which led to Women only Police stations and death penalty for rapists. Country saw ZERO rape cases and only handful of eve-teasing incidents this year.
6. AK series phone have made Nokia the market leader in Smart Phones. Foldable screens and Phones which could shoot better than AK47 have done the trick. “We don’t need to buy a gun for Mass Shootings, We buy Nokia instead”, said a consumer. Apple will be filing for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy during March next year. Samsung is in talk with Yahoo for a possible sellout.
7. United Nations Security Council intervens in the Julian Assange’s case. US/UK could face UN sanctions owing to gross human right violations. Wikileaks brings to light more facts that no one was aware of. “Sun rises in the East”, “Earth is round” and “Blueberry cheese cake is awesome”.
Among other news.
Chuck Norris was not able to kill two birds with one stone. Rajnikant was cited asleep. Superman wore underwear under his pants. Batman finally played cricket. Vivek Oberoi became superstar. Chacha Choudhary got beaten by new Ipad in chess. Manmohan Singh saw movie of his choice.
Somewhere during the early ‘90s, everyone realized the immense potential of outsourcing industry. With telecom/data rates on the decline, we saw call centre, KPO, BPO, captive units grow rapidly, changing the lives of a whole generation and realizing the dreams of an entire country.
With jobs, money, prosperity; a slow cultural impregnation has also taken place. We never realized when 31st Dec became the be all and end all of cyclical culmination of celebration. We never realized when Diwali holidays became a rarity and Christmas holidays became a norm. Ladoo/Barfi gave way for Cakes; Jalebis became Donuts; Lassi became too heavy to handle and Coffee light.
All this happened in India coz the jobs coming in were from countries like US, UK etc. I wonder what would have happened if the jobs would have originated from India and Indian culture would have influenced countries around the world.
The light footprint of the world would have been dazzling, the Diwali Night. The next day of Holi, people around the world would have gone schools/colleges/office having tinges of pink/green color on their faces.
A certain person in NY would have woken to Aloo Paratha with butter for breakfast. Haldiram’s would be in place of MacD/Pizza Huts all around the globe. John would have taken his family for a Kachori/Jalebi outing and VadaPao would have been blamed for Indianisation of the west.
In a Hollywood movie Tom Cruise would have a father settled in riches of Mumbai. He would have taken the son to US to get him marry a white girl. A son hell bent on marrying some Priya from Chandigarh. How the Hollywood would have sung, “Come, it’s time to go back”. No Pankaj Udaas, but a certain Snoop Dog would have sung, “A letter from my country” and the American Diaspora would have wept the Nehru Centre.
Mr. Abe would be Shree Abe, or let’s go a step ahead, would have changed his name to Abhimanyu, just to fit in. Roger would have walked into a back office in the heart of London in Kurta Pajama and HR would have coached in how to wear a Pajama with perfect crease. There would have been Chai/Lassi/Thandai machines in the breakouts with a few Charpai thrown in to relax.
The VadaPao/Chola Bhatura joints in NY/London would be decorated with diya’s on Diwali’s eve and people would be discussing, Ram and Sita and the history. People in Italy would protest forceful conversion to Hinduism funded by RSS and would deliberate enacting anti-conversion laws.
Restaurants would be designed so as people would be seated on the floor and waiters serving them food. World economy would be centered in Mumbai with New Delhi bombing countries in South America for their religious extremism and their getting close to develop Nuclear weapon.
I am already ROFL. The potential to explore on this topic is immense but I would excuse myself now lest I think some more and go berserk.
With anxiety about the latest Batman flick running Everest high, Christian Bale is the name on everyone’s lips. This masked and caped vigilante has brought a sense of respect to comic books, missing till now. There have been many a actors who have donned the cowl over the years ranging from the heroic Val Kilmer to the forgettable George Clooney.
This led me to wonder how would the character have panned out had our own Bollywood stars played The Batman. Let see one by one.
|1. Salman Khan|
The accented Khan would have suited best as when he speaks in accent he is hardly intelligible, much like Batman whisper. How awesome would it have sound.
Catwoman: “Tumne Gotham ke liye bahut kuch kiya. Ab bas karo”.
Batman: “Nahin, ek baar jo maine commitment kar di, toh main apne aap k bhi nahin sunta”.
|2. Shahrukh Khan|
|He is no alien to wearing tight body suits and saving the town. Unlike Batman, his sign would be posing sideways with arms stretched out.
Whenever he would do that, Inspector Gordon would run into his arms with music in the background.His melodrama and his enemies would die weeping. Casting Robin for him would be a no brainer!
|3. Akshay Kumar|
A flirt Batman. A Kishen Kanhiyya. More like Bruce Wayne, partying with models on his yacht. His endless gags one after the another and his enemies would go insane laughing.
Dialogue: “Mein apne desh ka pehla launda hoon jo chimkadad ban ke ud riya hoon.”
|4. Ajay Devgn|
The Singham Batman would break the fingers when pointed at.
Aata majhi satakli, aali le aali Joker, teri baari aali. The superhero with tilted head would be famous for car chases, blowing and flying cars as he chases his enemies in Bat Car.
|5. Saif Ali Khan|
The cool urbane Batman with a sheepish smile.
“Ek baar mein samajh gaye ki main Batman hoon ya mein waapas ghoom ke aaoon”.
He has his readymade Batgirl in Kareena. He would roam around flirting with umpteen girls while his enemies would get eliminated. “Bade aaraam se”.
|6. Aamir Khan|
|The perfectionist Batman. He would sleep hanging upside down at the ceiling, lest the character gets diluted. He would surgically get bat wings and paint his face black.
Instead of fighting crimes, would fly away and live with bats in their caves. His logic, Bat’s don’t fight crimes, they just hang upside down and terrorize people.
|7. Abhishek Bachchan|
|This would be the first Batman of its kind. Liberation! Instead of the Cape, he would be donning a gown. Instead of all black, it would be all red and pink.
He would charm his enemies and live with him happily ever after.
Recently I saw Ek Main Aur Ek Tu (EMAET) featuring Imran (Rahul) and Kareena (Riana). It was tad slow but a good time pass. The movie was meandering towards an expected finale when the director decided to surprise us. Under the pretext of mature ending, Rahul and Riana decided to be Just Friends.
I couldn’t help but LOL literally. How do people let themselves be manipulated like this? Rahul was happy with his life at the end. He was fine with continuing his friendship in the hope of she agreeing to marriage someday. I have serious issues with people who use this Just Friends after egging the other person on. I have further issues with guys/girls who let themselves into this honey trap.
What I hate is Friendship being insulted, which for me is one of the most sacred relationships. If it’s Friendship, it should not be affected by gender. Right? A friend can be a guy or a girl; one should have similar dedication and feeling towards him/her if they are just friends. Agreed? However most of the people never stick to it. The least they can do is be honest about it.
“He took me out for dinner to Taj last night. He is just a friend of mine”. Huh! First of all there are no free lunches dear. Would he have taken a male friend of his to an equally lavish dinner at Taj? Everyone knows the answer. Stop justifying and just admit that you too were leading on.
In EMAET, Rahul is highly ignorant, or we can say he is too blind in love. He is happy at that very moment coz the girl he loves is there to give him company and he hopes that she will marry him someday. What he doesn’t understand is that Riana has specifically explained her position of being Just Friends. Hence she has no commitment and she needs to give no reason for the break-up. What would happen if one day Riana comes and says, “Hi Rahul meet my boyfriend James”. She would have committed no sin, after all she had already told him that they are nothing more than friends and that’s that.
What would happen to Rahul then? He will be devastated. During a breakup, at least you get to know a reason, you argue, fight and split. Here it’s simple plain stupidity. He won’t even be able to ask Why? This is what happens when a guy who has never been in a relationship gets smitten by a girl who has been in string of relationships and vice-versa. To top of it, throw in Just Friends and you being blind in love try to live in the moment and accept it.
It was one of the silliest ending I could have imagined. In real life, guys like Rahul deserve all the pain and agony they face, coz they are that stupid. He should have moved on when he had a fight. If he decided to be just friend, he should have quashed all hopes of the marriage, started afresh.
Anyways for me the ending turned out to be fun and I had a good days’ laugh. Also it gave me a topic to write about.
Of late size zero has become a phenomenon. Humanity has never lost so much weight in history as today. What girls tend to forget is that guys like curves. Slim figure is welcome but zero is not. Most thin girls have a phobia that by gaining weight they will look fat. First of all they should shed this inhibition. A little bit of chubbiness adds to the beauty anytime.
For all those single girls whom I have been able to brainwash into gaining weight by my above appeal, here are certain easy tips. Follow them and you will thrive and men will hover around like a beehive.
Tip No 1 – Find a Guy who lives alone
It’s quite easy to find a guy in metro cities who is working there and lives away from family alone. Such guys tend to eat out most of the times rather than cooking. You will start eating out too. Eating out regularly will add that missing kilos in no time.
Tip No 2 – Hit the bed long
Getting lots of sleep is one of the easiest ways to gain weight. A minimum of 8 hours sleep is necessary. Anything above is a bonus. This way weight gain would be like a dream come true.
Tip No 3 – Beer it
Over the centuries ‘Beer belly’ has been one of the most controversial phrase. But it works and how. Drink beer regularly for a month and you wouldn’t believe how lovely you look with those plum cheeks.
Tip No 4 – Don’t flunk the junk
Go junkie! Those Big Macs, fries, pizzas, pastas are a sure shot path towards glory. Never be scared of the food. Eat as much and as junk as you can.
Tip No 5 – Get married
Easiest of them all! Scientists have been wondering over the years as to why Indian women gain weight so quickly as soon as they get married. Regardless of the reason behind, it works. The only flip side is that you are married now.
Bonus Tip: Call me!
When a Rajinikant movie is released, there are poojans and processions all around. The fans have relegated a mere human to the status of God. In fact over the period of history, there have been several such cases when humans have performed such feats that the followers became worshippers.
They say there is God in all of us. Let’s consider it true for a while. Let’s try and identify the almighty who walk among us and whose reincarnation are they.
|The Destroyer. A handsome young man, meditating and minding his own business, when disturbed unnecessarily, opens his third eye and wreaks havoc on the world.Who more similar than America, A place for opportunities, an inviting habitat. But when Japan carried out an unprovoked attack on Pearl Harbor, retaliation was swift and deadly. Even Taliban would agree! Revered and Feared|
|2. Rama||Sachin Tendulkar|
|The Maryada Purshottama. Unswerving self control and virtue. The composure and patience never wore out. Perfect adherence to dharma.The choice is unanimous. Sachin Tendulkar. An ideal man and a perfect human. Need I say more?|
|3. Ganesha||Pranab Mukherjee|
|Vighnharta. This son of Shiva, hailed as the Remover of Obstacles.For the past 7 years of UPA rule, Pranab Mukherjee is the one to whom Congress run in dire situations, he is Vighnharta for sure.|
|4. Hanuman||Manmohan Singh|
|The devotee. Served Rama from the heart. Manmohan Singh was the right hand man of Sonia Gandhi when she was bidding for PM post. Once she decided to sacrifice, her ardent devotee was rewarded. Ever since 7, Race Course has hardly disobeyed 10, Janpath.|
|5. Durga||Mamta Banerjee|
|Feminine Force. The Devi riding a lion with a smile. Fearless.Mamta Banerjee has fought against the system for last 35 years in West Bengal single handedly. Her only weapon being her fearless and killer attitude. Durga came into full force in 2011 assembly elections when she ran over her opponents.|
|The goddess of wealth, wisdom, prosperity. Sheer good luck and wealth to all the devotees.When IT dept. raided Jayalalita’s premsies, everyone was astounded to see the wealth. She promises her voters cash and kind if they bring her to power.|
|7. Krishna||Akshay Kumar|
|The prankster. The raas-leela. An ideal lover. The Supreme Being. The Gyaan of Geeta.Akshay Kumar has always been known to be a ladies’ man. The pranks played by him on his co-stars are a part of a legend. The wit and humor is unquestionable.|
|8. Annapurna||Big Bazaar|
|Goddess of food. Supplies food to people.In today’s world its Big Bazaar which fills the hungry stomach. From food to fruit, everything you get by making a wish to Big Bazaar.|
|9. Vishnu||Common Man|
|The preserver and protector of creation. Mercy and goodness. It’s a self-existent entity.The Common Man by R K Laxman has been the face of aam aadmi since eternity. As witty as Vishnu and representing the facets of humanity akin to various avatars.|
Netizens woke up today to “Suresh Raina is God” updates on social networking websites. Apparently when “Suresh Raina is God” is translated to Serbian and back to English, Google Translate, gives us “Sachin Tendulkar is God”. Sachin fans are going crazy ever since, reaffirming their faith in all what is Google.
Let me jot down in brief, what Google says, how Google Translate works.
Not Word By Work
It’s not a word by word translation. In the sense that “I am God” in Hindi does not translate to “मैं हूँ भगवान”, but Google Translate does it perfectly to, “मैं भगवान हूँ”.
Machine Guess Work
It’s all a guess work. Large amounts of documents already translated by human translators have been scanned. Google Translate analyses the patterns to find best suitable translation. Google calls it, “statistical machine translation”.
Correct the Mistakes
Google asks for your contribution to make Translate better. If you come across an anomaly, select the better alternative provided. This is fed back to the analyzer for future reference.
I did some investigation on my own keeping the above explainations in mind. Below are the results with my weird theories.
1. Cricket, Sachin, Suresh and Serbian
|Suresh Raina is God||Суресх Раина је Бог||Sachin Tendulkar is God|
|Suresh Raina is a match Fixer||Суресх Раина је меч Фикер||Sachin Tendulkar is a match Fixer|
|Suresh Raina is bowled out||Суресх Раина се докотрљао се||Sachin Tendulkar is bowled up|
|Suresh Raina is run out||Суресх Раина је понестало||Sachin Tendulkar was run out|
|Suresh Raina is playing cricket Sachin Tendulkar||Суресх Раина игра крикет са Сацхин Тендулкар||Sachin Tendulkar playing cricket with Sachin Tendulkar|
If we associate Suresh Raina with cricket in any sense, Translate interprets it as Sachin Tendulkar as far as Serbian and English is concerned. If we recall, Suresh Raina was hailed by Wisden, Bible of Cricket, as one of the most promising lad when he first surfaced on the cricket arena. He was hailed as the next Sachin Tendulkar by cricket enthusiasts and pundits. Google Translate might be looking into those very reports for all we know. Also Suresh seems quite similar to Sachin even in English language.
2. Others are fine
|Virender Shewag is God||Вирендер Схеваг је Бог||Virender Shevag God|
|Sourav Ganguly is God||Соурав Гангули је Бог||Sourav Ganguli God|
|Rahul Dravid is God||Рахул Дравид је Бог||Rahul Dravid is God|
|Mahendra Singh Dhoni is God||Махендра Сингх Дхони је Бог||Mahendra Singh Dhoni is God|
With other cricketers there seems to be no goofiness at all. I was expecting some trick with Virender Sehwag given that he has been hailed as duplicate Sachin. Alas! I was wrong.
3. No Cricket, No Confusion
|Suresh Raina||Суресх Раина||Suresh Raina|
|Suresh Raina is a doctor||Суресх Раина је лекар||Suresh Raina is a doctor|
|Suresh Raina eat||Суресх Раина једу||Suresh Raina eat|
|I met Suresh Raina||Сам упознао Раина Суресх||I met Suresh Raina|
|Suresh Raina met Sachin Tendulkar||Суресх Раина састао Сацхин Тендулкар||Suresh Raina met Sachin Tendulkar|
If we use Suresh Raina, independent of any cricketing context, there is no funny business at all. Raina will not be able to catch up with Sachin in his off field life it seems.
4. Another of Google’s Prank
It might have been hardcoded by Google as a prank on cricket crazy net users in India. They are well known for such jokes. If it is a ploy, it sure is working. Wait for a press release, they will admit soon, if there is anything to it.
Google Translate has a lot many tricks up its sleeve. Keep exploring. Coz that’s what Jesus (Google) wants us to do. One of them being:
|Will Justin Bieber ever hit puberty||Justin Bieber sẽ bao giờ đến tuổi dậy thì||Justin will never reach puberty|
Now that’s nasty of Google. What has Justin done to anyone?
How many of you have found yourself, opening up the refrigerator door, not looking for anything in particular and shutting the door without taking anything. If you have, don’t worry, you are in good company. According to a survey this refrigerator infatuation seems to be quite common.
When people are tensed, waiting for a phone call, waiting for a result, they tend to run to the refrigerator more. When people are free, with nothing to do, they tend to find solace with their refrigerator. In fact wonder how often have you just entered the house and inadvertently walked up to the refrigerator?
This makes me wonder, “What is it about the refrigerator?”
Is it the cold breeze that hits us as we open the door? Ever felt that sudden rush of cold fresh air that surges out as we open up the baby. Remember those hot days, when we did open up the freezer to cool ourselves off. The refreshing miracle power of the machine!
Is it the enchanting lighting that engulfs us in the dead of the night? One would agree that there is something dull yet attractive about the refrigerator light. Can it be the missing link?
Is it the food that attracts us? It is said, “Our modern skull houses a pre-historic brain”. In the sense whatever our brain reflexes are today, they are borne out by pre-historic experiences. Like we are afraid when we see a snake, but we are barely afraid while crossing a road. When the fact is more people die every year, crossing the road than by a snake bite. It is explained by the fact that pre-historically more people died of snake bite and it was a serious threat to humans. Our reflexes are built on that.
Now, what we store in refrigerator? Food, right? Our basic instinct is to look for food for survival. Refrigerator might be interpreted by our brain as the Provider. We open the door time and again, not looking for food but looking after the food. A filled up refrigerator gives us the secure feeling.
By time and again opening the door, we are trying to safeguard the food and checking if we are okay. Now that’s called protecting the Provider.
बात है उस दिन की, पैदा हुआ था मैं,
सफ़ेद लिबास में पुचकार रही थी वो,
उम्र न देखी, वक़्त न देखा, बस ली फिर्की,
नर्स को ही देखकर हो गया मैं ठर्की|
नर्सरी क्लास का है किस्सा यह,
आगे की कुर्सी पे बैठी थी वो,
खींच दी आहिस्ता से चोटी उसकी,
उसकी नन्ही जुल्फों में उलझा ये ठर्की|
चौथी कक्षा की टीचर जी,
हर बच्चा उन पे मरता था,
कितनों से लड़ा, कितनी तोड़ी बत्तीसी,
ब्लैक बोर्ड की लिखाई ने कर दिया ठर्की|
स्कूल के मास्टर की कोचिंग जाता था,
कुछ अपनापन था वहां, दिल को भाता था,
नंबर अब जो भी दे वो, बेटी भा गयी मास्टर की,
फेल और पास क्या जाने, यह मन तो है ठर्की|
बचपन का दोस्त था जो, एक दिन बोला वो,
नीले दुपट्टे में आई है जो, दिल ले गयी मेरा,
कहने को भाभी होनी थी, पर मर्जी इश्वर की,
समझा लूँगा दोस्त को मैं, न समझे ये दिल ठर्की|
कम्पटीशन का पेपर देने बैठा था, आर या पार,
दो सीट आगे बैठी थी, दिल हुआ बेकरार,
सलेक्श हो जाएगा अगले साल सही,
आज जी भर के देखूं उसको, हो कर ठर्की|
ऑफिस में तो सुधर जा अब, सीधा बन,
शिकायत करेगी, जायेगी नौकरी, होगी कुर्की,
जान दे, दूसरी मिल ही जायेगी नौकरी तो,
आज रोका तो बुरा मान जाएगा दिल ठर्की|
बचपन में सीखा था मैंने,
कैसा भूल गया यह ज्ञान,
अब ना भूलूंगा जीवन भर,
हर दिन जाप करूंगा, जी कर, मर कर|
इश्क में पड़ेगा तो जान से जाएगा,
ऐसा घुसेगा, पानी नहीं पायेगा,
जूतों से पिटवाएगी यह लड़की,
नज़र रख सीधी, मत बन ठर्की||