Posts Tagged ‘marriage’
“Post marriage everything changes. People change. Things which were once liked become irritating. The childishness which used to be kinky turns into advice of getting matured. Promises get broken, love dissipates. Pillows which were used for fights start defining the boundaries. Relationship becomes sour.”
We all would have heard such lines, haven’t we? What’s the story behind? I don’t believe that core of a person can change after a certain age. During the formative years yes, but not post that. So what’s this change that people talk about?
Sometimes expectations on which a relationship is built are not met post marriage leading to the issues. Broadly speaking there are two types of love. Based on Thrust and Based on Trust. Let’s take them one by one.
Love Based on Thrust
When we meet somebody, find the person attractive, we try to woo him/her. Boys would laugh at girls’ jokes, no matter how pathetic they are. They would go all out to make her believe they are they for her no matter what. The gifts, the roses, the promises are all thrusted in to design a make believe world of dreams. Never was the laughter real, never was the care from the heart, never did the gifts hold any meaning, never were the promises made to be kept.
Girls would meet boys all dressed up, looking attractive. Would portray that she likes him just the way he is, with all the goods and ills. Possessiveness is considered to be endless love. When he spends loads of money, she likes it. Later the dressing up stops. She starts to dislike the ills which she never liked in the first place. The possessiveness becomes engulfing and unbearable. The guy is just a spendthrift now.
Love Based on Trust
Love based on trust is a bit tricky. Mostly this is without any explicit proposal. It takes time. Often there was no great initial kick. Never was a need to impress, no pressure to be presentable. No pretentions, nothing. There were no promises made under false pretext to be broken. All gifts had some meaning. The laughter was real, the zeal was real. Everything was shared without fear. Neither of them pretended and hence no change perceived later.
Basically it’s not the change; it’s just that the real person comes to fore, which is never rosy. Be true to one and to each other. Remove that extra ‘h’ from thrust and have some trust.
A Mad Kitten
|Works on the principle of “spending before earning”. A family tragedy, some urgency can cause us to default on EMI’s, which is followed up by goons at our doorsteps. Since we have already spent the money there is no options but to keep paying the EMI’s. This destroys the basic premise of happy living, “Live within your means”.|
|2. Extensive Travel|
|Globalization has its demerits. Urban lifestyle involves extensive air travel for business purposes. Many people are forced to live out of their suitcases. This adds extreme pressure. Jet lag becomes an addiction and tension keeps accumulating like anything.|
|3. Career to Choose|
|A son of a potter became a potter. There was nothing like, “Choosing a Career”. It has become a modern demon which destroys much of our early life and by the time we settle on a particular career, we find out we don’t like it any bit. The grumbling stays on eating into our peace.|
|4. Power/Water cuts|
|Sans the concept of power or water distribution, people didn’t have to deal with the cuts. Water was taken right out of lakes and oil lamps were used for light. The modern society is so dependent on power and water supply that frequent cuts (demand-supply), leaves us irritated.|
|5. Marriage on rocks|
|Marriage was a lifelong bond and concept of divorce was not known. These days tension created by divorce, court case, heart break is too much to handle. Good were the days when society chose a match for you and you lived ever together.|
…to follow: Top 5 Modern Means to Ease Tension
What is the most passionate human emotion? Love, happiness, anger, sadness would be some guess perhaps. Well, not exactly. It would be tears. The singlemost, strong emotion on earth. You feel happy, Tears of joy. You feel sad, Tears of sorrow. You feel angry, unable to control yourself, Tears of madness. You fall in love, Tears of passion. You feel hurt, Tears of pain. You are caught red handed, Tears asking for forgiveness. When someone departs, Tears of loss. When your child excels, Tears of pride. The list is endless. Tears span all emotions.
Let me admit at the onset, I do cry sometimes. Not in public though. After all I have to keep my male ego going. I have never even imagined myself doing so. Would be a highly embarrassing moment. Or so I thought!
Last time I remember myself crying was when my grandfather died. I was in my hostel room when my sister called me. The tears just flowed, they were spontaneous. But it all got over with no one around.
This time it was an auspicious and public occasion. My sisters wedding. I was busy with arrangements and couldn’t foresee what was to come. It was the Ladies Sangeet function. Few words about this Ladies Sangeet. It is organized as a pre-wed ritual on a grand scale in North. Stage is set up. Professional dance and music troop is called. Everyone from the family is supposed to dance. However good or bad it might be.
I am not a type to dance or sing. So I decided to duck via what I could do. Say a poem. Little did I know that it would prove to be my nemesis. There wasn’t enough time so I jotted down a few lines and added tit-bits from my older writings. Everything seemed fine. I was through with most of the lines. I had just described an incidence from our childhood and there were awes all around.
As I reached the end where I chastised her for deserting us, something happened. I can’t describe it. I tried to resist myself, cautious of being on stage and eyes staring at me. Couldn’t help it. The tears followed. What a Man was I!
I managed to finish the poem just in time to see my crying sister rushing towards me. And the worst part, I was forced to dance too. Here is what I wrote.
कुछ सुनो तो कुछ में कहूं कहानी,
मैं बीच रस्ते चेंटा था,
कुछ हठ था भरा कुछ रूठा था,
मुझे था वही खिलौना लेना,
जिस में थे दो तोते और एक मैना|
पैसे थे चार जरूरतें थी दस,
मैं रो रो कर चिंघडाया था,
माँ ने भी थप्पड़ लगाया था,
तभी किसी ने प्यार से थपकाया था,
माँ मुझे कुछ नहीं है लेना,
भैया का बस चुप कर दो रोना|
वैसे भी ऐसा क्या मांगे वो,
बस दो तोते और एक मैना,
बस दो तोते और एक मैना|
आज तू बिदा हो है चली, बाबुल का घर छोड़ के,
बनाने चली तू नए रिश्ते, पुरानों से मुहँ मोड़ के,
कुछ और देर तक रहती तो, मिल बैठ के बातें करते हम,
कुछ बात पुरानी कहता मैं, कुछ गम मिल-जुलकर करते कम,
कुछ और देर तक रहती तो (सिसक-सिसक), मिल बैठ के बातें करते हम,
कुछ बात पुरानी कहता मैं, कुछ गम मिल-जुलकर (सिसक-सिसक)…”
Whenever I attended a wedding and was subjected to a barrage of vintage marriage songs, there was this one song that always caught my attention. It goes like, “Mera yaar bana hai doolha, aur phool khile hain dil ke, meri bhi shaadi ho jaaye dua karo sab milke…” (My friend is the groom, I am happy from my heart; pray that I too get married). Also the traditions like joota churai wherein the brides’ sister steal the shoes of the groom and ask for money (shagun) in return, and the talks about dulhan ki behen and doolhe ka bhai seemed too clichéd and filmy to me.
I mean why would a guy wish to get married only while attending his mates wedding? There are 365 days round the year when you could wish so. Why the same day? Why not just go along, enjoy the marriage and not try to steal your mates thunder. Joota churai too seemed funny and just filler to me.
I tell you what, I was totally wrong. No shame admitting it. Until you attend your best friends wedding; you can’t understand the feeling behind the said song. It comes from within. I am telling you coz last week I attended my best friends wedding and believe you me the lyrics of the song felt closer to me than ever before. While he was riding the horse with people dancing around, the nauchawar, the varmala, the feras and the vows, I could feel the sweet urge to get married too. The atmosphere is such that it’s difficult to abstain from such a phenomenon.
The joota churai which seemed childish to me matured that day. I found myself, hiding grooms shoes away from the reach of brides’ sisters and letting them have the shoes only after making them accede that they lost. Those were such wonderful scenes that I blush and smile simultaneously as I write. They are playing right in front of me.
About the dulhan ki behen and doolhe ka bhai. It’s a tradition to have a sort of nok-jhok among the two. Subtle flirtations included if they both are young, unmarried and of the same age. All in good spirit though. (All this time I keep going back to the old movies and how true they seem to me today.) Since groom had a married older brother, it was left to us (friends) to take over the baton of younger brother. Though I am not of the flirtatious kind I felt all game for such a nok-jhok. Sadly, the bore as I am, I couldn’t go the length. But still it was all fun.
Marriages are always nice and now that I can only attend them once in a blue moon owing to staying away from home, I tend to enjoy the ones I attend as much as I can. Finally just one request, “Meri bhi shaadi ho jaaye dua karo sab milke”.
Everyone has some childhood memory which tend to bring smiles. For me it would be “childhood rhymes”. One which I sang the most, enjoyed the most is the, “Munna ki Shaadi”. Try singing it fast, would enjoy better. Also if you can couple it with claps, pleasure would be supreme.