Posts Tagged ‘world’
There are times in life when we end up making fool of ourselves. One such incident happened to me lately. Made an a** of myself. I realized I am not alone. People like me walk among us. I would like to pay my respects to some such pals of mine.
PSO Padam Singh
Personal Security Officer of UP CM Mayawati, Padam Singh, bent down and wiped her dusty shoes. “I just noticed the dust on her shoes. I follow Clean India Green India campaign and wiped of the dust. What wrong have I done?”
“They love me. All my people are with me. They love me all. They would die to protect me”, Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi gloated, laughing off international pressure to step down. When questioned as to how can he laugh it of, while he is slaughtering his own people, Gaddafi said, “I am just a happy person. I laugh all the time. More so since I started watching FRIENDS. Long live America!”.
S M Krishna
External Affairs Minister SM Krishna accidentally read out the Portuguese Foreign Minister’s speech at the UN.
“There was nothing wrong in it, I was just trying to learn some Portuguese”, clarified Krishna. A headline read, “Dear Krishna, all is forgiven. Don’t catch the wrong flight.”
When asked whether it was unfair that only 4000 tickets would be sold to public for a game as important as the World Cup final, Shetty said the members of the clubs are also part of the “public” and so he disagrees that public is not getting any tickets.
Speechless! Well species like these are found in trio’s, lest they hurt themselves.
Some miscreants stoned WI team bus after Bangladesh’s shameful defeat. ICC CEO Haroon Lorgat played down the incident, calling it ‘minor’, pointing out that few individuals had thrown pebbles at the bus. This left WI team manager furious.
Bangladesh’s Cricket Board left the world further puzzled when it added that people mistook WI team bus to be Bangladesh team bus. They walk among us!
US President Barack Obama pressurized Pakistan to treat Raymond Davis, who allegedly shot dead two men in Lahore, as a diplomat and release him. US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton reportedly “forced” Pakistan to confirm the diplomatic immunity for Davis while threatening to withdraw the $1.5 billion aid.
“Life of a US citizen with per capita $48000 is way more than that of two Pakistanis with per capita $1000. It’s pure statistics”, asserted Hilary while greeting Davis back home.
Manoj Tiwari BB
Fuming over his eviction from the ‘Bigg Boss’ house, Bhojpuri star Manoj Tiwari hit back at Salman Khan and his brother Arbaaz Khan for ‘scripting’ his eviction from the controversial reality show as a part of larger ‘conspiracy’ against Bhojpuri actors
Manoj Tiwari Fan Club president Manish Kumar, along with a bunch of followers protested against Tiwari’s eviction, claiming that ‘Bigg Boss’ ‘insulted’ the 26-crore Bhojpuri community.
Dhoni seems to be in the middle of yet another controversy. After the “Glove Web” fiasco and “Two and a half (2.5) Jam” hiccup, Dhoni has irated ICC once again. According to our sources, Dhoni is under investigation from ICC for the potential theft of cricketing material.
An ICC internal memo, a copy of which is present with us states, “Mr. Mahendra Singh Dhoni, captain Indian cricket team is hereby charged under Section 25.2 for stealing stumps from the field. Stumps are ICC property; hence he is in breach of ICC code of conduct.”
Sources inside ICC has told us, “Dhoni targets the middle stump which has camera and microphone attached to it. This has resulted in huge losses to our broadcasters”.
It might be recalled, Dhoni was censured by ICC for causing loss of cricket balls by hitting huge sixes out of the ground. Dhoni has curbed his aggression since, to stay away from any controversy.
ICC says Dhoni is not only involved in this gross theft but also encourages the same by his team mates. It’s has become a bloody team game.
Insiders have told us, “One who steals stumps in a match is guaranteed in playing XI, in the next.”
“Why else do you think Munaf and Yuvraj are still in the team?”
“Why else do you think Bhajji is so close to Dhoni?”
Theft of every stump is celebrated heavily. “Let’s concentrate one stump at a time. Records will be made themselves. Soon we will have 1000 stumps in our armory”, Dhoni is supposed to have boasted once.
Dhoni was enraged. “It’s not just me; every cricketer keeps stumps as a memento”. “If you win today, you lay claim to the stumps. This is my mantra to motivate the team. Media and ICC can say anything; I have support of my team.
Opposition players are aware of this. In fact some very much appreciate him. “The knack that Dhoni has for grabbing stumps is uncanny. No surprise that he is a wicketkeeper”.
BCCI has been enraged with these reports. In their press brief they contested, “Our crickets are extremely rich owing to IPL. Why would they steal if they can afford to bribe grounds men. ICC should stop being pain in the back.”
Post the media reports that it was Steve Bucknor who first reported Indian team for stealing, proof of Bucknor himself being involved with the racket has emerged. “He was unhappy with the profit sharing and hence he bitched about Indian players”, said a report.
Legendary Indian opener, Sunil Gavaskar has come out strongly in support of Indian players. He presented his own dossier on international cricketers who have been involved in such thefts from a long time. “Why is ICC silent on these people? Just because Dhoni is an Asian, it does not give ICC the right to level such serious charges”.
It seems highly unlikely that ICC will act against Indian captain and annoy the cash cow BCCI. ICC has infact designed theft proof stumps (pic below). Given its dual purpose, ICC has also tied up with clean-the-nation program run by Sharad Pawar.
With Cricket World Cup played in India this time, CBI tried its level best to nab the betting mafia across the country. They raided many places, intercepted a number of calls, rounded up various persons.
In due course of their investigation they tumbled upon a secret. A secret so explosive, it had the potential to rock the very foundations of cricket. CBI sought help of Colin Powel who was able to sniff Biological Weapons of Mass Destructions (WMD’s) in Iraq even before they were made. “He can sniff into the future”, said a source.
Powell’s sniffing powers were used to sniff out the truth which caused sniffing problems to the CBI sniffers. How sniffy!
I somehow got hold of For Eyes Only report submitted to the CBI by Powell. Being an ardent fan of Wikileaks, I can’t hold but leak it over on you guys. The truth being,
Sachin Tendulkar is not human. He is an Ultimate Experimental Thrashing Machine
from DRDO (Defence Research and Development Organisation)
The Fact Finding Closure Report
The secret that caused sniffing problems to the CBI
Sniff out the truth about Sachin being Ultimate Experimental Thrashing Machine from DRDO.
When CBI first called me, I was sniffing Hamburgers in my sleep. Turned out I had some extra the night before. Anyways, I have been on the job from day one. My findings are based on observations, proofs and witnesses below.
1. Twin Bat Theory
Sachin uses Not One but Two Bats simultaneously. It is just not possible for a human to use Two Bats. As an Ultimate Experimental Thrashing Machine from DRDO, only Sachin has such a power. The other bat being invisible we are not able to see it from naked eyes. Hot Spot might be able to intercept it, hence Sachin has opposed UDRS. CBI used military grade technology to get the pictorial evidence. Look closely.
2. Sachin can inflate/deflate himself
This came as a shock even to CBI. Kudos to DRDO! It’s very tough to infuse inflation/deflation power in a machine. In fact very few super heroes have such a power. He uses the scientific fact that air has weight. He inflates his right arm with air and generates huge power to play master strokes.
3. Multiple Sachin
There are multiple Sachin roaming around. No two consecutive matches are played by same Sachin. This gives time to rectify any wear and tear which leads to consistency. Evidence has been provided by a dysfunctional prototype of the same generation known as Vinod Kambli who was created along with Sachin.
4. Project Sachin was commissioned two years before the first World Cup
Investigators have found out that Project Sachin was started way back in 1973 in a bid to win the inaugural World Cup. Like everything else in India, it got delayed too. On when to retire Sachin, a prominent scientist associated with the project told us on the promise of anonymity, “We can’t stop it. It’s out of our hands. It won’t stop till it fulfills its target of winning the World Cup. It’s designed that way. Don’t you get it?”
5. Sachin is Ambidextrous
Like all other machines, Sachin is ambidextrous. He has tried to keep it hidden from public but we are not the ones to be fooled. He writes with his left hand, Cuts cake with right hand, bats with right hand. A perfect machine!
He can even bowl from one hand and bat from the other simultaneously.
6. Anatomically Speaking
Sachin’s Infra-Red imaging and its subsequent studies have revealed that he is not human; definitely a machine. Look closely at the curves, the joints and the posture; the ligament, the tissue and the liver; the heart, the head and the toe and tell me that he looks Human.
7. Induction in Air Force
Give the shortage of pilots, Sachin has been inducted into the Indian Air Force. They made it to look like an honorary post. It’s far from truth. It is said that Sachin can convert his body into a fighter jet just like Tranformers and IAF will reach invincible levels post his induction.
8. He lives in shell shaped chamber
Sachin lives in a shell shaped chamber. He is not designed to stay in a normal house. He wanted the new house to be built like a shell but has to reject the idea coz media got hold of it. Here is what the house would have looked had it been build. Similar is the shape of the chamber inside his house in which he resides.
9. The record speaks for itself
If all this proof if not enough, just look at his batting records. Don’t tell me you think a human can play for so long and create such records. While we are sure Don Bradman was an alien, Sachin indeed is an Ultimate Experimental Thrashing Machine from DRDO.
10. Testimony Down Under
Ricky Ponting and Greg Chappell have stated on record that Sachin indeed is an Ultimate Experimental Thrashing Machine from DRDO, that they have no doubt whatsoever.
“I tried sniffing, licking and eating Sachin’s bat in order to get some DNA proof, but never found any, thereby confirming that he is an Ultimate Experimental Thrashing Machine from DRDO and thus have no DNA at all for me to lick”, said Ponting.
Greg Chappell said, “I never wanted Sachin to open the batting and suggested him to retire coz I always had my doubts about him being human. He confessed to me once that he indeed is an Ultimate Experimental Thrashing Machine from DRDO and that he uses Two Bats. He even showed me how. He then injected some serum into my neck and I forgot all about it, until now when everything is coming back to me.
My sniffometer says that Sachin indeed is an Ultimate Experimental Thrashing Machine from DRDO. My recommendation is to invade Iraq.
One man sniffing machine
Over the years I have wondered about the existence of God. Is he here with us on earth or is he celestial? If he is on earth, what form has he taken? Is he a human, an animal, a tree, some inanimate object perhaps? I have come up with some logical deductions, like always, on who could God be. My assumptions are the qualities that we all believe God possesses. Armed with these traits of God, let us try and decipher the Holy Grail.
1. God is the Creator: God is Lalit Modi
God created us humans from scratch. Lalit Modi created IPL from scratch. God created 9 planets, Modi created 8 IPL teams. Just because Modi forgot one team, poor Pluto was stripped of its planet tag, thus maintaining the order divine.
He created the Champions League. He created the position of IPL Commissioner. He created three children of his own. He created a new political divide between India and Pakistan and the prototype for the modern Indian working lady. God created the world in 6 days. Modi created a whole IPL-2 in S. Africa equally fast. Such is the might of God.
2. God is Immortal: God is Afzal Guru
God is not subjected to death. He must be Afzal Guru for sure. Regardless of Supreme Court death sentence to him, he is still alive. Maybe it’s not Congress’ fault after all. It’s just God and his ways.
3. God is Omnipresent: God is China
China is present everywhere today. Look around, all you see is Chinese made goods. From head to toe you are covered in China. Chinese phones, Chinese toys, Chinese clothes, Chinese babies, Chinese dolls, Chinese food to name a few. In fact the Chinese themselves are all over the world. You look here, Chinese. You look there, Chinese. Next time you go to your home. Check the attic. I am sure Chinese would be there too. Next in line towards Godship are we Indians for all the obvious reasons.
4. God is Immutable: God is Govt. of Maharashtra.
If God is not susceptible to change, my deduction would be he is Maha. Govt. A year has passed since 26/11, still no change. Everything is same.
` RR Patil is still Home Minister. Same old traffic problems.
` Same old Security issues. Pawar’s smile is the same since eternity. Go to hell price rise.
5. God is The Ultimate Truth and Ultimate Reality: God is Sach ka Saamna
What if God is a game show? Sach Ka saamna, which is the Ulimate reality show which brings out the Ultimate truth from the contestant. So is God a reality show and Rajeev Khandelwal is his agent?
6. God is Boundless: God is US thirst for Oil
Maybe God is not something animate or visible. It is something as abstract as US thirst for Oil. It’s not US fault that they invaded Iraq and killed thousands of innocent people. It’s just what God forced it to. This feeling is boundless and cannot be contained. Hence US is forced to quench the thirst of Oil, sometimes by the blood of innocent people.
7. God has vast, un-imaginative powers: God is Madhu Koda
Madhu Koda might not be corrupt after all. It’s just his un-imaginative powers that converted nothing into billions. Remember “Turn water to Wine”. It’s just God’s power that took effect. He is no crook.
8. God is Necessary (cannot do without): God is Mobile phone
We cannot live without mobile phone. The moment it is not in sight, we feel cut off from the world. We feel uneasy, itchy, dizzy and in despair. Better we died. Maybe this addiction is not our fault. It’s just that we cannot do without God. Long live Mobile!
9. God is Perfect: God is definitely not Microsoft Windows
One thing is sure, God is not Microsoft Windows. With so much defects clubbed together, it seems Windows was written with code collected from junk sale. Definitely not what God is made of!
10. God is our father: God is Genghis Khan
A study identified a Y-chromosomal lineage linked to Genghis Khan, present in about 8% of the men in a large region of Asia. We are descendants of Genghis Khan. In fact the slang, “Ghenghis Khan ki Chati aulaad” is not used just like that. Most of us are his children and he is our father. Gandhi is just father of a nation, Genghis fatherhood transcends all boundaries.
11. God is the Ruler: God is the media
Media has the complete dominion of the world. It’s media that rules today. News media makes/breaks stories. It twists news for TRP’s. Maybe it’s just the act of God to show complete control and not some wrong doings on the part of media.
12. God is Immaculate (free of stain, spotless, absolutely pure): God is Katrina Kaif
God! She is gorgeous. So spotless, so pure, so free from error. How gentle and lovely is she. If there is someone purer than Katrina, I reckon there is no God. I would not want to pursue my hunt any further for the God who made Kat inferior to anyone. I am ready to go to hell for her.
A: Who is the guy bowling?
B: Johan Botha.
A: Johan who?
B: Captain of South Africa.
A: Again, who?
During the ongoing ODI series involving Aussies and SA, I was really confused seeing Johan Botha. Where did he come from? How did I miss him earlier? Why have I never heard about him as a player? I scanned my brain for some match winning performance, some feat. Nothing! I cricinfoed his profile to find more about him. Nothing! Tried google. Nothing!
One can easily remember the name of South African spinners, simply coz there haven’t been many. Pat Symcox, Nicky Boje, Paul Adams and the most recent Paul Harris. Where did I miss Botha. Not just the lone spinner but the captain too! A recent article in this regard presented an interesting view. Botha was chosen to bring inspiration to the team in Smith’s absence. What inspiration was the author taking about? Apparently he had been called for his bowling action in the past. The way he handled the situation and came back to the team would prove inspirational and what the players could look up to.
Great! Now players like Kallis, Gibbs, Boucher, Amla would look up to an ex-chucker for inspiration! This is not even a reason. So why was he made captain? A captain, who is not even a selection in the Test team.
Selectors might be repeating their Experiment Smith. They threw in Smith very early into captaincy and look how well he fared. Maybe that’s the thought. Again, Smith averaged 55 in whatever few Tests he had played by then. Botha’s batting avg of 18 and bowling average of 40 don’t even come close. A couple of failures and he would be running from pillar to post for his place in the team, leave aside captaincy.
There should be something more to it. Given Smith’s envious record as a captain and as a player, South African cricket board might be looking just for a stop gap arrangement. Who the captain is as the filler don’t even matter. Again, why Botha?
We might want to have a look around. Marred by power struggles within the team, cricket round the world has suffered a lot. England, West Indies, Pakistan, India. All. SA has been insulated from it for a while now, barring a few hiccups. Selectors might not want to create poles within the team by giving a senior member the captaincy, who might be reluctant to relinquish it later. Look what happened to England post Ashes ’05. Why not select a younger player who is not even sure of his place. Keep him the captain for a series or two, till Smith is back. He can even be disposed off easily, if the plan backfires. This would keep Smith the sole power center within the team. Thus, tactfully avoiding ego clashes among the senior players.
Selectors might be giving an excuse of grooming the captain for the future. Our worry is, Mr. Botha might even not have one as a player!
For those who have watched Jim Carrey’s, “The Truman Show”, the Bigg Boss house too symbolizes the real world. Let’s see how.
Bigg Boss: He is the God, the almighty, the supreme. Members consider the decision of Bigg Boss their fate. They pray to their God to give them more food (budget) the coming week. They ask his forgiveness for any fault of theirs. They cry in the confession room. They get angry with him at times and as his children want him to be loving and caring.
Housemates: In this world we play various roles. Similarly the house mates take over different roles. Rahul becomes the toilet cleaner. Ketaki becomes the cook. Elina becomes the maid. Raja becomes the king. These roles are not allotted but are assumed.
Tasks: We all work to earn money, to get food. In the house too members perform a particular task to earn food for the coming week. If they fail, they don’t get paid that well and have to live with limited resources. This creates friction. ‘Coz scarcity of resources is the root cause of discontent and disruption. The work may not be what they wish to do. Still need to do it for living anyway.
Nominations: In real world we have friends and foes. We wish well for some and not so well for others. The nomination brings out the dark side. They want a person not be a part of their life anymore. They want the person they don’t like to leave the world. Simply they wish him to die. They pray to the God (Bigg Boss) to take their enemies away. They conspire to get rid of them.
Eliminations: The soul leaves the house. Bigg Boss decides to take a member away. A member goes out and only his memories remain. He is dead. The recurring elimination symbolizes that nothing is imperishable. Everyone has to die. Nature has to take its own course. The life continues.